“Hey! I haven’t seen you in a month of Sundays! How have you been?”
“Lord, child, if I told you how I’ve been you’d smack the undertaker for sending me back.”
“Sounds like you haven’t been sure whether you should scratch your watch or wind your butt. Some things never change.”
“I tell you what, the only things that change are the ways to get in trouble.”
See also:
Southern houses have porches for a reason. Porches are welcoming without being overly familiar. Everyone is welcome to visit on the porch. Southern conversations have porches too.
This is a conversation between entertainers which is the Southern approach to just about everything. Being nice with a flair, being warm with charm: those are the main rules for talking Southern.
“Don’t be ugly” has nothing to do with looks - it’s about bad manners. “You won’t do.” or “You’re a mess!” are both affectionate compliments. (A “mess” is a large amount of something - as in - I cooked a mess of beans.)
A fur piece is a long long way to go - usually, it’s wa-ay over yonder.
These are a few examples of how language not only changes color, it changes shape. The most important thing to remember when speaking Southern is to give the listener the benefit of the doubt that he is worthy of your time. Invite him up on your verbal porch and offer him a long cool drink on a summer day. Maybe he hasn’t heard a kind word in a while, and yours will be refreshing.
That’s the gift of being Southern, the benefit of the doubt given to strangers, you’re worth my time.