How to set boundaries

“Boundaries are the edge territory of what belongs to us and what belongs to someone else. They are the ways we communicate our needs. They are what allow us to feel safe among strangers, in everyday interactions, and in our closest relationships.”

“Boundaries aren’t just the hard nos, they are also the maybes and the yesses-with-limits.”

— Dr. Faith G. Harper, Unfck Your Boundaries*

Start Here

Good for you, setting boundaries! It’s a necessary part of every relationship.
Note that boundaries change over time because we (and our relationships) change over time. That’s why there isn’t a one-size-fits-all template for setting boundaries.
This guide is intended to help you find the right words to draw and defend your boundaries, but it’s up to you to decide when and with whom to employ them.
You do not always need to justify your boundary. If you have a boundary, you don’t need to justify your self-advocacy (no explanation needed). Example: “I’d give you my car but one time I let someone borrow it and they crashed it and…”

When drawing boundaries, it may be uncomfortable. You don’t need to protect people from feeling uncomfortable or feel obliged to smooth the tension. It’s okay for people to feel bad and weird when they’ve crossed someone’s boundary.

Talking Points

<aside> ☝🏼 If there was a delay between the behavior and your response, try this talking point: “Hi <Name>, I realized that I didn’t tell you about something that bothered me recently, but I want to talk to you about it now.”

</aside>

I feel <describe how you feel> when you <describe behavior>. What I want/need is <describe the behavior you expect going forward>.
- Example: I think it’s gross when you drink from my water bottle. Please only drink from your water bottle.
I’m learning to trust myself. So I’d like to decide without input from others.
If you continue to speak to me like this I’m not going to engage you.
I’m not okay with your actions and that’s just a position I don’t ever want to be in again.
When you said, “<what they said>,” it was hurtful/made me uncomfortable.